Caught up in my thoughts.
Today i sat here and i thought, and thought. Sat there all day reminiscing, about my past. A past that will never be forgotten. Such a traumatizing past where i can remember every little detail, of every day that the same thing happened to me. A past where i can remember every word that was ever said. I am not talking about two years ago past, or just recently. I am talking about my whole life past, beginning when i didn’t even know right from wrong. So far back, that i cannot remember anything of my childhood but that memory. That one memory that i sit here, and i blame myself for. Something that should not have ever happened, but also something that i couldn’t have prevent myself anyways. I’ve sat here today thinking that there are so many people that are fucked up in the head out there, people that don’t think about their actions. People that hurt you, that put you through pain and misery and don’t give a single fuck about it. People that need help. Then i thought, i could be sitting in class next to people who are afraid to go home. People that don’t want to go home because school is probably the only place they feel safe. There may be people sitting next to me who go through things every day of their life and nobody knows about it, why? Because it’s something that they hide. Something that in their mind they put aside just to pretend like they are fine. I can know someone for a few years who i think to be the happiest person ever, and they might be going through something drastic at home. They might be going through the same shit that i go through, and maybe even worse. I sit here and think if there are so many people going through problems how do they manage to still be here? Because i know what it’s like to have suicidal thoughts. I know what it’s like to feel like you were brought into this world, only to be put through misery. I know what it’s like to go everyday of your life hating yourself, blaming yourself, for things that you were not even the cause for. I know how it feels to have your skin be behind the blade as you watch your blood drip. You might think i am living this great life, but nobody knows how much i have really been through, or how i have cried myself to sleep again, and again. Because the memory in my head won’t go away. Because i play your words in my head over and over , word for word. I still remember that day when you came back saying “If she doesn’t want to see me she can close her eyes, she can cover her ears, she can leave. But i am not going anywhere.” Those words kill me every time, yet i cannot seem to get them out of my head. Traumatized for life. And how do you want me to look at you? I cannot look at you as nothing else, but a horrible nightmare. I look at you and see a complete stranger. I don’t even know you. I don’t know where in the right mind you find all of this to be okay, but i don’t. I’ve been asked again and again why i don’t like you. The answer is simple. Because you have scarred me for life. You have put me through one the worst things a person can go through. You’ve made me hate myself for something that you were the cause of. Not me. Because i did not choose this life. How can you hate someone who brought you here? If it was my choice i wouldn’t have been brought here. How can god be good? How can god be the person who answers your prayers, how can he be good if he doesn’t help. How can he put people on this earth and let it happen again , and again, and when you ask for help-nothing. Why punish people in such a way? Why put us through so much pain, and suffering. Because that is the reality of things, you just let it happen right? Let this traumatizing memory haunt me forever. Let my mind play it over and over in my head. Because in the end no one can help, and in the end you are left alone. All of this was running through my head today. But the fact that i could be sitting next to people who have been through things in life that you’d never imagine, or even something worse, that- well that scares me.
